friends [December 20, 2008 @ 9:14am] it's the end of the year - a time for reflection. I'm afraid that I haven't grown and in fact, less mature/content than I was when I reached my altruism-related epiphany mid-last year. I guess that I've both lost and gained a lot this year... I've gained a lot more "friends" but I've lost the dedication concentrated on the few close friends that I used to have. It's a matter of physics I guess. Let's say my attention is a fixed amount of paint. The friends,pieces of metal, were few and therefore could only form a tiny container box. But that was ideal - The paint I had could be poured into the container, fillng it to the brim with no spillage involved. On the inside of the contained all the sides were covered. and I felt like I, as the paint, felt connected - I knew who and what felt important to me. However, although I have grown over this past year, the amount of paint has remained the same, but the amount of metal pieces have increased. The metal pieces can bond together to make a container; but it is too large. When you pour the paint in, the container is half-empty (pessimist much?). Some metal pieces are not connected with the paint at all. The paint therefore attempts to connect with all the metal pieces by applying itself to the outer-surfaces of the container. All the pieces are connected with the paint. But the paint has dried now. She can no longer move. She wants to flake off. She hates the fact that she is lacquered upon a container that is hollow. She is wondering whether it was all worth it. She wants to start fresh (pun.. ahahaha).... and slice out only bits of the hollow container to build a new one - a small one that can be filled with all her flakes... A cremation of sorts? Comment

[December 16, 2008 @ 9:29pm] I'm lost. I've been lost for a while now. I do things. I say things. I meet people. But do I feel anything? I'm a chameleon. I change in accordance with my surroundings. I act differently around different people. I don't have a consistent style of dress. I have fragmented identities. I don't want to be pinned down. I want to run away. I am myself but I am also someone else. I seek distractions. I do things. I say things. I meet people. But do they mean anything? What am I distracting myself from? looking for an answer. Find a philosophy and stick to it. I had wanted others to be happy. I had wanted to be as self-less as possible. I had wanted to live for the sake of them - to make them feel special. And in the process, I lost myself. I became a chameleon. I say things that people want me to say/because they want me to say them. I do things that people want me to do. I did things because they were right. but sometimes, doing what is right can be wrong. Maybe you should do what you want to. Be selfish. Be unloved. Be happy? or Give yourself away to others until there is nothing left. Read (2) Comment

[December 02, 2008 @ 12:38am] She blew out the candle and everything stopped. Her exhaled breath was a string from which her horizontal body hung. Still. Her body swings side to side, swaying with her thoughts. She inhales her string of breath and swallows it. It squirms up her nose and behind her eyes. It weaves through her thoughts and melts. The amalgamation of breath and thoughts swish from side to side and she waits for them to drown her. Comment

#5 [May 01, 2006 @ 12:56pm] Philosophia mentioned tranvestites yesterday. see, I mentioned you :0. tranvestites: your view on them could outline your personality basically, there is a transvestite in everyone and tranvestites are thus universal because they want to be something they're not. If you find tranvestites funny: you have a cynical view of yourself because you know that you can never reach your dream and fulfil your desires. If you find tranvestites sickening: you hate yourself and feel pained by the fact that you can never change. If you are a transvestite: you are delusional, yet you are closer to your dreams than the two categories listed above. If you don't know what a transvestite is: you are not only stupid but have no understanding of yourself whatsoever. advice for self-improvement and soul searching: don't neglect your inner transvestite. yes, this is a disgrace to all those personality assessments out there, which constantly remind me of myself and thus are incredibly annoying. Read (1) Comment

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